“A Rant” – Drunch

“Drunch” – A late morning or early afternoon meal (usually on Saturday or Sunday) at which hipsters and poseurs alike gather at a local hotspot in which they consume more alcohol than food, in an attempt to rid themselves of the previous night’s hangover

– Urban Dictionary


Drunch. The be all, end all, post-hardnightout, IneedtorehasheverythingfromlastnightbecauseI’msoawesomeandcool meal. Is there anything better? Could the time be spent more preductively? Probably. Definitely.

I would like to point out not everyone who partakes in drunch is obtuse—but the vast majority are, and this is their bill. Fat, vacuous, group-think jappy girls, in big retarded (and expensive) sunglasses, yapping and yelling, drowning in mimosa, shoving fat avocado omlets down their fat gullets, reciting the previous night in ungodly praise of either how much alcohol they consumed or how wild they were and how many guys came up to them.  It’s a sorority house table of discussion with little focus on how fat and insignificant they are.  

Exaggerating the previous night doesn’t make you sound cooler. You went to a loud bar with your disgusting girlfriends and fiddled over your phone while meat heads tried to get in you. It happens over and over. Weekend after weekend. The only reason they’re talking to you is because they want to shoot one off.  You are not more important because some desperate guy bought you a drink, you’re not hardcore because you had six cupcake vodka shots at the pregame, and you’re not a catch because you have a severe muffin top. Compare yourself to Ke$ha. She sucks and definitely drunches, but at least she’s legitimately a shitty human being, owning it and making money off it.  If you’re going to continue, just make sure you get your hepatitis shot and tip your waiter. And stop screaming. It’s Sunday morning. Some people want to enjoy the weekend, not waste it away in a silly buzz of hopeless fantasy.



Save the dog

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