“A Rant” – Soul Cycle & Jack LaLanne

SoOoul Cycle is the latest fad in exercise regimen and I f**king hate it.  This is on their website — “SoulCycle’s full-body workout has revolutionized indoor cycling and taken the world of fitness by storm.”  America is dumb.

How are you willing to pay $30 for an hour of riding a stationary bike? Do you lack motivation that much? 30 dollars worth? Your grandfather must turning in his grave.  He’s probably trying to piece together his rotting corpse to smack you with a rolled-up newspaper. The man probably spent 2 months saving up that money, eating porridge and beans, widdling wooden figurines with his blistered fingers–and you just wasted it away on some glorified spin class.old man

Where does the $30 per visit get justified.  You’re in a packed room on a stationary bike. Your face is inches away from another person’s ass. Your ass is inches away from another persons face.  The point is to get sweaty and bike through imaginary hills listening to Katy Perry and other Top 40’s. I don’t see where the value comes in. Unless you’re Simple Jack you should realize the same fitness results can be achieved for way less cash, if not completely free.  For comparison, $30 will get you 3.5 Chipotle burritos, 2.5 movie tickets, 1.5 2-for-20 Applebee’s dinners (comes with an appetizer or dessert, your choice), 3 manicures (if that’s your thing), a happy ending (if that’s your thing), or an airsoft gun, with scope.

In order to tell you why you’re a failure I need to tell you about an amazing man named Jack LaLanne. He is quite possibly the most badass fitness personality in the history of time. Arnold has nothing on LaLanne (and if he doesn’t, then you’re the shit on the bottom of his shoe) and I’ll tell you why. Not only did LaLanne deteriorate slower than U-238, but was doing push-ups the up until the day he died–at 96. He was still your mother’s DILFy fantasy. He ate fresh food and worked out daily, and most importantly–he wasn’t a pussy about it.  He worked out hard, and didn’t pay someone $30 to yell at them.  LaLanne apparently once said (according to wikipedia, which I rely on for reputable evidence), “I train like I’m training for the Olympics or for a Mr. America contest, the way I’ve always trained my whole life. You see, life is a battfield. Life is survival of the fittest.” Does that sound like a winner? Yes. Does someone paying $30 for a spinning class sound like a winner? No–they sound like they should be punched in the face.


Here are more LaLanne quotes explaining your chunky ass.

“If man made it, don’t eat it”, “if it tastes good, spit it out.”

“15 minutes to warm up? Does a lion warm up when he’s hungry? ‘Uh oh, here comes an antelope. Better warm up.’ No! He just goes out there and eats the sucker.”

lion blood

For comparison, here’s what you say every Sunday. “Last night was soOooo crazy.  I’m feeling like such a fatty, but I’m going to go to SoOOooul Cycle and have a prOtein shake. It’s going to cure all the burgers and pizza I had this week.  I totally deserve a Drunch after with my girls.” What you should add at the end is–“I’m a dumb asshole”.


Now go read Lalanne’s Wikipedia and try to emulate him–or continue and pay $30 a session. I don’t give a s***.


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