“A Rant” – Beats by Dre

I don’t understand Beats headphones. At all.

There are trends year after year that you always look back on and say “Man, that was dumb as fuck”.  Solid examples include: Ed Hardy shirts, Von Dutch Hats, frosted tips, and Jnco jeans.  But then there are Beats headphones. They’re in a whole ‘nother class.  The modern dunce cap.

How the hell Beats headphones became so popular is beyond me.  I understand marketing and advertising gets everyone. There is no way around it.  But sometimes there are products that defy common sense–products you’d expect the average customer to realize are complete shit, but nonetheless have incredible sales.  (Side note, if you bought a power band, you deserve to get shot by Mark Cuban.)

mark cuban(The man)

Since Beats came out in 2008 there has not been a shortage of dickheads buying the shit.  Everytime I step on the subway I see at least 3 people with those shitty B’s over their ears, blasting rap or other Top 40 singles. You make me want to jam my eardrums with a surgeon’s scalpel.   I didn’t get onto the subway car to hear you DJ.  Nobody did.  Nobody looks at someone wearing Beats headphones and thinks, “That guy right there–he is cool. I want to be like him. I want to stand next to him and hear his shitty rap.”

And if you bought Beats headphones because they sound good, you’re an even bigger asshole. At least the first dickhead was ignorant all around, already lobotomized. You on the other hand genuinely think you got a deal.  Who the fuck spends $300 on headphones anyway.  If you’re not in the music industry, a sound engineer, or rich how are you justifying a $300 set of headphones.  It’s rare you see a person with actual means wearing those bright plastic pieces of shit around their head, and if you do, you instantly think it was a gift that couldn’t be returned.

I wonder when the trend will be over, but it’s gone on for 5 impressive years. I don’t seen an end in sight and I’m almost ready to jump in front of the next bus.  I can’t even be angry with Dr. Dre or Monster cable. They fully deserve every penny.  Shit if I could sell shitty plastic for that much I would.  I may be a bit jealous, but who wouldn’t.  I had more faith in humanity. America is free country, I guess. God, the next thing I’ll probably hear is some 5 year old shot his 2 year old sister with a gun made specifically for kids.  Wait. Shit. That happened.


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