Definitely “A Rant” – The Subway

Nobody in their right mind likes riding the subway.  It’s an underground nightmare for the majority of commuters. If you’re not delayed from reroutes and construction, you’re hearing the local sombrero band rape your ears.

There  is always something or someone making the ride worse, and the majority of the time they fall under similar categories.  Here are the top 3 retards you experience in your daily commute, and believe me, they all deserve a beat down.

1. The smelly hobo – Get out of my f**king subway car.  This isn’t a home, that seat isn’t a bed, and I don’t see pillows anywhere.  Get the f**k up and get some help.  You smell like you shit your pants 5 days ago and forgot what shit is. I’m not your alarm. Don’t look at me with a disgusted face like I’m bothering you.  Nobody pays $2.50 to step into a subway car and instantly think “I want to kill myself” for the next  20 minutes.  It’s even worse when you realize the smell went away because it’s seeped so far into your body.  Don’t think I’m some right-wing hoping the poor start dying on their own dime–I’d rather see this guy in an apartment, with a job, and soap.  But shit, get the f**k out my subway car.

2. Speech boys – I’ve had some memorable speech boys in my relatively short tenure in New York, but they all have the same rap. They don’t know when to shut the f**k up.  A few months ago I had an angry white guy eco-bitching with a Bed Bath & Beyond bag.  Just yesterday I had an old black man with a wheeler comparing New York’s stop and frisk policy to that of Adolf Hitler.  Even the black girl standing next to me was having a hot sweat of embarassment. Are all of you really that desperate for an audience?  The subway isn’t your soapbox. Nobody will ever thank you for bringing the subject to their attention.

Then there are the one’s that try to get a dollar from you. “Good day (It’s not) and god bless (shut up). I’m not here to bother you.  I’ve been homeless for 6 months living on the street looking for food. I don’t do drugs”…Stop right there.  You don’t do drugs?  Your arm looks like it has herpes, your teeth are rotting out of your face and you look like a Spiderman villain. Trying to do puppy dog eyes doesn’t make you look less psycho. I’m not your source for a good time–go in a back alley for that.

But on a more serious note, I know not everyone on the street does drugs.  There are some who need help because the world has truly taken a huge shit on their life–no friends, no living family, or savings. Go to a homeless shelter. Ask a guy on the street to Google where the nearest one is.  Don’t board a subway and give a speech trying to guilt everyone for a dollar.  You’re a poor investment and I’d rather see my 401(k) go up, or buy a Snickers.

3. Entitled Seat Queens – I f**king haaate Seat Queens. If there’s an inch of space their ass will try to slip in, snuggle up, and bump your ass far from where it was.  They’ll box you out, step on your feet, elbow if necessary, just to plop their fat ass in a place it was never meant to fit.  Is it really that hard to stand, you piece of shit.  When you’re the size of two people wait for 2 seats to open up. Don’t lift your ass like it’s a backpack and think it’s making you skinnier.  The worst part is when their stop comes up.  Sit your ass down and wait your turn bich.  You wanted the seat, you got the seat.  Now wait for everyone standing to clear out. Don’t try to pop up once the doors open and mush your way into the front.  I’m not an obstacle for you to get around.  I don’t give a shit if you’re having cardiac arrest and need fresh air. You’ll get my fart wind and that’s that.

Do this instead


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