This past weekend I wasted prime Saturday afternoon hours watching the women’s Crossfit games on ESPN. What a horrible decision. Not only was it an attrociuos competition to see who can do the most tiring, most pointless shit the fastest, but it reminded me of friends I have lost to the Crossfit mindset.
If you’re not aware of what Crossfit is, watch these videos:
“We’re really doin’ this shit so we can go outside and survive better”. You make me want to kill myself. We don’t live in the wild asshole. Do you hunt boar? No. Are there are no tigers running wild? You drive a Carolla to pick up bacon and some kitty litter. The only things you fight are your student loan debt and your god awful athlete’s foot from your shitty Vibrams. I know, because you bitch about it on facebook. Since when did Crossfit become the only avenue to physical health? Meatheads yelling does not equal motivation and making up retarded exercises doesn’t make you stronger. “But its muscle confusion, bro”. Doing a power snatch, tossing the bar in the air, doing a 360 and catching it doesn’t do anything but make a back injury more likely.
And obviously people at regular gyms do exercises wrong all the time, but when your instructor is Crossfit certified you might as well pull the pin on a grenade, put it in your pocket, and continue on your set. Crossfit instructors are good for yelling and lying about your form. Next time you squat and your Crossfit trainer says you have good form, put the weight down and look between your legs. If your intestines herniate out your asshole it’s time to get a gym membership elsewhere. If they haven’t yet, don’t say I didn’t warn you.