A Rant – Water

A few days ago I ranted about little kids. They’re terrible creatures. Had I not been one myself I would have them all tossed into a heap of burning trash, but c’est la vie.

In doing my “research” on little kids I found an incredible amount of bullsh*t products created marketed to make your kid insane and burn a hole in your wallet/purse/bank account/savings/college fund/retirement plan. One item I saw over and over was a product called Wat-Aah, bottled water for kids. It’s labeled as a healthy alternative to sugary juices, providing electrolytes through hyper-filtered water.  That roughly translates to “You’re buying bullshit because you think your kid is a fat fk, and you’re willing to pay a premium to downsize your guilt for being a horrible parent”.

If you think Wat-Aah is a cost effective way of getting your child to drink more water you deserve a severe blow to the head.  I’m talking -11 aluminum baseball bat to the face or padded meat cleaver to your temple.  If you don’t want a welt I’ll gladly pack some soap bars into my pillow case.

Since I’ve seen the product sold in NYC I have to assume you are the dumbest m*therfker walking this planet. Not only are you already exposed to probably the cleanest tap water in the country, you probably have enough brains to avoid typical idiocracy. You don’t have primitive bible-dicks forcing 2,000 folklore into your state and local law.  You can make rational decisions. So why would you pay $2 for a shitty bottle of shitty water that you could easily fill up anywhere for close to zero dollars?  If I told a Ugandan they would shit the bed– you could say they already do–from all the real Malaria and diarrhea they get from real water problems.   If I read another review from one more shitty Park Slope mom giving 5 stars to this shitty company because she doesn’t have the wherewithal to raise her kids properly–I’ll probably do nothing.  But, fk them and fk their kids for learning shitty habits from an early age.

Wat-Aah isn’t the only water bottle company out there marketing bullsh*t. You have the Diddy/Wahlberg water for alkaline assholes who think their body is a buddhist temple. Wahlberg, I’m a big fan of Good Vibrations, don’t be ashamed of your past. There’s Fiji water, for bougie dickheads who will think they’re god’s gift. These are the same assholes who get satisfaction from Coronas because they get the feeling of the being at the beach. Fk off and die. You have the Smart water fitness retards who just got out of their spin class, thinking one bottle will curb the weekly bingeing of BK and Checker’s and I might as well throw in Vitamin water retards too. Do you dumbasses even know what sugar is? I can’t imagine how fk’d your taste buds are after years and years of abuse.

All products I’ve mentioned so far sell for a premium well above a typical water bottle, sold by say Nestle or Poland Spring.  Obviously these companies are still dickheads, but honestly they serve a purpose. While I bitch and moan, and argue for drinking from the tap, bottled gives me the opportunity to drink water on the hop when I don’t have a cup/glass/nalgene.  Now at the same time I understand I’m getting royally fk’d by it’s margin and I hate myself for it, not to mention their privatization and exploitation of third-world laws and resources–but I have to concede somewhere. So instead of buying that fruity new bottle of water Park Slope moms are talking about, buy that shitty dented bottle of plain ol’ water. Your wallet will appreciate the 50 cents saved. Or better yet, fill up an old bottle at home or the office. You just paid zero dollars!  Put that money towards your dominatrix swing or a vacation, child abuse therapy sessions or new socks. Do anything else with it. In the end I’m just giving advice. You can do whatever the FKKKK YOU WANT

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