Looking for that perfect weekend? Don’t come to New York. It’s a sh*tty town with sh*tty people and I will tell you why–here’s an Awyee play by play on each burgeoning neighborhood.
Midtown – Times Square:
Let’s start at “square” one. Times Square is a shithole and makes me want to kill myself/every living thing on this planet. It’s the sum of everything shitty about America; loud, obnoxious, blinding ads for loud, obnoxious, self-centered assholes to stop, stare and block traffic. “Look mama, I’m on TV. I’m going to be a star!”–No you’re not, fkstick. I could be stabbed in the face or vomit cancer, and everyone would remain fixated on the beaner spray painting dumb pictures of the solar system. Times Square is filled with terribly desperate and talentless comedians, costumed pedopheliac Spidermans and Batmans (who will drool at the opportunity of posing with little jimmy) and crowds slower than a turtle on Nyquil. Sadly this is destination 1 for almost every foreigner. It’s obligatory. Like you’re grandmother’s funeral. You have to go. There’s nothing else like it in the world. So you have to see pointless sh*t because it is a unique pointless piece of sh*t. Please note the same statement applies to MoMa, and the huge dump I took last night.
Apparently people used to get stabbed on the reg in the LES. Now, bro’s are buying IPA’s in cuffed jeans and wacky socks hoping to pick up some m*ff. It’s not what it used to be–not that I know too much about LES’s past, besides being the septic tank cousin of other Manhattan neighborhoods. The LES has lost the flavorful decay now preserved by Chinatown and Alphabet City. Tourist secret–take a midnight stroll through the Lower East Side on a prime Friday or Saturday night and stare at all the dumbasses waiting in line for clubs like Fat Baby, the Delancey, or my personal favorite, the DL. You’re guaranteed to see bitch-face girls act like their hot sh*t, then literally rip hot sh*t reeking farts from the fatass fried macaroni and cheese balls they had for dinner. Girls night!
Quite possibly the only amazing thing in the West Village is the Highlines park. Remember that scene in Spiderman 1 where Peter Parker saves the speeding trail from flying over the rail? Well now it’s been cleared of any deadly trains and flushed with greenery. They even added crickets to make add to the experience. If you’re looking for a calm walk for a romantic date or to punch a Google Glass douchebag–this is the place.
Other than that there’s loads of machismo clubs meat packing clubs and fashion divas. If you’re willing to wear a fedora and waste your $350/week Bestbuy paycheck in a 20-minute self delusional tirade, this is the spot.
Everyone thinks Wall Street is filled with bankers raping the economy and sh*tting bottles of Cristal. Truthfully, it’s a tiny bit of that and a literal boatload of fobby tourists taking sh*tty photos and buy 2xist underwear from Century 21. Make sure you join in. Plenty of sights to see–the famous Wall Street trading floor, blocked by protective railings, and cops, and more guardrails. Snap a photo with George Washington’s inaugural statue. You must wear your sunglasses and avoid smiling in all pictures, because you’re a tough Arabic man–or do a peace sign and smile like Pokemon. Whichever you choose, I’m sure you’ll look like an assh*le.
Next– head down and check out South Street Seaport. Plenty of non-things to do. Like look at the water–and pass restaurants you don’t want to eat at. Walk aimlessly and stand in bike lanes.
Maybe you’re into American history? Check out the 9/11 memorial. After more than 10 years of debilitating designs, the World Trade Center has a new facelift. Tips: Look out of kniving hobos selling “official” 9/11 gear. If you’re feeling a sad from the memorial feel free to remind yourself of the costs of Iraq and Afghanistan wars. Not only has the government spent $1.471 trillion dollars, but returning soldiers are committing suicide faster than troops dying in service. Don’t you love coming down to the Financial District?
Wow. Williamsburg is the spot for finding hot, slutty, daddy-supported, hipster girls. Along with the LES, Williamsburg used to be a tough neighborhood–filled with crime-laden hobo-hoods, but add Orthodox Jewish families. Now it’s succummed to spoiled, overly confident, talentless 20-something wheurs unwilling to understand what a 401(k) is, or how to plan for finance independence. I might have exaggerated a tiny bit.
Now obviously it isn’t filled with only women. There are many men who populate this area. Many men who sport thick bushy, food-crusted, mustaches. Many men who smoke stogies and ride bicycles. And the remainder of men who live with the paralyzing desire of reaching ultimate irony and the enlightenment of a cliched postgraduate psuedo modern man. If any of these flavors tickle your fancy, make plans and head down to the Radegast for some liter beers and German sausage. Perfect date/tinder meet-up location. Just watch out for the organic vomit in the bathroom urinals, keep clear of mentioning your stable upbringing, unless of course in jest, and you should be on your way to pound pound city.