Monthly Archives: April 2014

Awyee’s Wednesday Afternoon Thoughts

What happened to Pharrell? Lapdance from N.E.R.D will forever remind me of Elisha Cuthbert’s Girl Next Door bod, and how I vowed to literally murder puppies if it meant I could suck her fart.

Now he’s singing about being happy. Someone needs to dowse his dumbass hat with lighter fluid and shoot him with a flamethrower. Or rip out his vocal chords and burn every copy of “Crappy”.  It’s 2014–a full 12 years after The Neptunes dropped In Search Of... and we’re getting this sh*t.

Goosfraba.

Awyee Likes: Sofritas

I want to first say this post is in no way sponsored by the lovely folks over at Chipotle. Awyee has received no form of compensation (Cash, SO’s, burritos or HJ’s).  Chipotle does however hold a rather soft spot in my heart, so don’t be surprised if at the end of this post you have no doubt that Awyee is Chipotle’s gimp bitch.

Sofritas is Chipotle’s long overdue step into the tofu market.  In joining the Pledge for Utilizing Soybean Substitute In Environmental Sustainability, Chipotle is making a hard push for promoting tofu as a legitimate alternative to meat.  Many gymrats will argue any soybean related product will give you bitch-tits., and eating any burrito bowl , (even if filled with double beans, veggies, and tortilla on the side) is a  dish deserving of emasculation. regardless of the final weigh in.  They will make you fear Estrogen more than Fran Dresher and give you nightmares of poor macros. Arguing with these gorillas will get you nowhere–as  they would rather swallow their own load than eat a Sofrita bowl post workout.  Don’t let any of  this discourage. It is only one meal, and you can forego  the carnal bloodlust your mouth craves. You are a modern man.

(For the record, we are huge fans of the Rock. AWYEE!)

Sofritas doesn’t have a particularly extreme flavor. In fact I would argue the subtle spice and mexi-cali flavor is properly  limited to not overpower, but complement the soothing elements of clean rice and milky beans with the  sharpness of the salsas. The tofu is not cubed, as many would  expect. I’ve had dreams of building  houses out of those cubic  meat-bricks, and Chiptole chose to DIVERGE from the norm. (Never really saw the barbacoa as more than a pile of meat-shit). Instead,  the tofu is served as a lumpy composite, close to feta cheese. The composition does leave chewing to be desired, but I have yet to experience any form of tofu that gives the mouth a workout as vigorous as real meat. If you feel  like your jaw is losing strength I recommend going down on your partner or getting some bubblegum., but don’t start to think you began as Arnold and ended as a Roger Ebert.

I don’t want to give the impression that you’re giving something up, as much as you’re tasting and experiencing something you’re not typically used to. Awyee isn’t your shitty vegan friend shoveling shit down your throat and looking to ruin your day to feel falsely altruistic .  We want to expand your pie, and  in order to do so, I need to make some very brief, overly dramatic statements that have no bearing on the legitimacy of Sofritas as your next go-to, or even sporadic ingredient.

Chipotle Sofritas will not kill you. (This is not a guarantee– I cannot vouch the  food safety conditions of each individual Chipotle. Refer to restaurant grades listed on wndows from the appropriate authority.)

Don’t ever compare Chipotle Sofritas to anything but Chipotle, and definitely not to Doritos Locos Tacos. Doritos Locos is the Skrillex of the food universe. Loud and overly extreme for strictly the point of doing so, Skrillex Tacos will leave your mouth dying for water–much like overdosing on molly at  Electric Zoo.  Compare  apples to apples.

Chipotle is a corporation. Many see this as a problem–because they’re retarded, and if you’re saying “Corporations aren’t people, man”, do everyone a favor and die in a fire.  I’m glad Chipotle is a publicly traded corporation and I am glad, that as a shitty investor I have the opportunity to throw my dollar in an overpriced stock . It gives legitimacy to the idea that a brand can both serve a completely satisfying product, with an eager approach towards reducing environmental impact and create economic prosperity. I completely expect backlash from punk-ass tweens in Billabong (BBG.AX) t-shirts, or Celestial tea hippies (HAIN:NASDAQ).

I know I may not have you convinced–it’s a big step. To change your routine Chipotle order–that one special ,overly coveted bi-weekly, weekly, daily(?–you’re a fat fk) is a hard request.   I only ask you step outside your box one time. Maybe even get tacos and make one tofu. Experiment. Lube up and explore the world. You only live once.